Nostalgia

 Preface: I tend to forget a lot about this period of my life that shaped who I am.. now that I may be more sociable, have my own developed character, my fear of rejection has greatly waned.. or asking out someone is not a huge deal anymore. We all pass through periods of good change in our lives so it's nothing special in general but these periods are indeed special to each person on the personal level. Here, I try to document and describe the best year in my life (so far, I hope) mainly so that I don't forget about it when I grow older.. the year in which I have experienced the most accelerated personal change.


Here I am.. 4 years later, with a sudden will to write. I am back with a realisation that living my life in a calculated manner, trying to avoid strong emotions for the sake of remaining focused on my goals has many benefits, but feelings of unprecedented spiritual height is not one of them. Therefore, such periods in which no event has happened that required every inch of bravery and emotion you have, no event which you hold dearly and are really proud of, may be happy and successful periods, but they offer very little material to write about. They may often be stable and productive, but the heights of emotion in these periods are not those that will inspire any form of writing.

 Today I revisit a period in my life in which I claim to have felt irrational, unexplained love for the first time. A period in which I was far away from spiritual poverty as I can be, a period of personal rennaisance following a great depression. This period was my first year in college in Hungary, immediately following years of limited self-belief and not fitting into any surrounding environment. It was certainly a strike of good fortune and mercy from my Creator to have fled the memory of all the years I have hidden my real feelings towards anyone or anything due to feeling unworthy, which ultimately resulted in heart-break and confusion.

 In Hungary, I started out completely on my own, no one knows me or my failures.. a completely blank page awaiting a drop of ink. This is when I first felt that my life, my self-image and my dreams belonged to me.. after my Creator's will.

  I remember walking 4 miles per day in the darkest of nights, thinking about all the things I need to work on to become a better person, thinking about the meaning of my life and my short and long-term dreams, going over them multiple times per day to keep myself motivated. I remember sitting down alone in the cold for hours in front of the beautifully lit main building of the university, promising myself that I would not leave any fear that I will not break. I started forcing my shy and doubtful self to socialise, to lead. I was surprised on a daily basis as to what I was capable of, and how in reality I was a worthy person after all.. perhaps.

 18th of November, 2013. My dorm-mates and I were on a weekend trip to Budapest, climbing the stairs of the Fisherman's Bastion, when my Turkish best-friend to be told me "Hey Mohamed, I heard that girl tell her friend that she liked you". That was one particular girl that I felt great admiration towards. Hell, my mind started racing like a Formula 1 car tyre. Is it real? Maybe she liked me only as a friend? All the possibilities were popping in my head like popcorn in a microwave.

 10th of January, 2014. You see, it was never going to be easy to suddenly change from a person who thinks he's not worthy to a person who was able to muster up the courage to tell a girl how he really felt, but I did it.. somehow, I wrote a letter and handed it to her. And it never mattered her response, all I remember is that after giving her the letter, I dashed down from the dorms to take a walk to the university building.. in one of the most spiritually profound hours I have lived till now. From that moment on, I became a completely new person, I rarely feared or doubted. It wasn't about telling a girl I liked her but rather believing in one's self and defying the fear of rejection, the fear that is inside everyone of us.. for the first time in my life.

 During those two months, apart from working hard on my first semester's subjects, creating new friendships that I will never forget and working on myself in many aspects.. I remember every minute detail of my internal struggle with what has remained of self-doubt in me until I was finally able to do something like that, which was at that time of my life, beyond huge. For my liking of that girl was not normal, the act itself was not normal.

  This period of my life is one that I will always cherish, I probably wrote about it more than I wrote about anything. This is nostalgia, a place or a feeling one can never return to again, triggered by one’s memory with the sudden appearance of an object or a mirroring event.

 Regarding objects, I have a good habit of collecting miscellaneous items, travel itineraries and letters from periods in my life that are close to my heart. I keep them in a box in the bottom drawer of my side-desk back home. These incoherent and seemingly meaningless objects mean the world to me, for the stories, memories and personal losses and victories that come to life the moment my eyes fall on them. Regarding mirroring events, let's hope that I will never cease to grow and break away from fear in that same manner.

Expectations

Written by: Nour Yousri.

 After nearly an hour of washing the sleep off her still worn out body and contemplating how her night will turn out to be like, she reluctantly pushed aside the floral curtains and stepped out of the bathtub. She has always felt too lazy to take a shower, but once the warm water made contact with her skin, she felt like she could stay in there forever. She chuckled at the thought.

    Shay stood in front of the mirror, studying herself like she frequently did. She has always felt subconscious about her nose, and just as the thought finally subsided, she caught herself pinching and pulling at her nose, in a futile attempt to fix it. After taking one last glance, she opened the door and stepped outside into the cold room.

   She hadn't noticed the heat and vapour that had clogged the bathroom until she got out; you would think the bathroom has been bombarded by an atomic bomb if you hadn't known someone was just taking a long, hot shower in there. Shay approached the dress that lay on her queen-sized bed, excited to finally wear it; she has spent hours on end trying it every night ever since she bought it nearly two months ago.

After squeezing into her dress and hopping into her 7cm stilettos, it was finally time to curl her hair and apply makeup. Shay was used to walking in dangerously high heels, it was like a piece of cake to her. She giggled as the image of Trisha,  her best friend, face planting the floor as she tried take a step in her stilettos popped up into her mind. Shay had her makeup and hairstyle all set up in her brain, for quite a long time in fact.

As her long, bony fingers started to work their magic onto her face, she couldn't help  but admire the winged eyeliner and smoky eye shadow she has almost effortlessly applied. Her friends had asked her to help them with the make up but she managed to make a good enough excuse not to. She couldn't be late for her prom, the mere thought made her nervous. Shay finished curling her hair and let the long curls fall down her shoulders.

   After finishing up, she made her way to her full-length mirror and took a deep breath before looking at her piece of art. A huge smile drew its way on her face when she saw the beautiful young lady who stared right back at her. Shay looked like a princess, heck she even felt like one. It was a feeling she longed for, a feeling she hasn't encountered for quite a long time now. Her knee-length white dress hugged her slim figure almost perfectly. She admired the glowing red pearls that circled the cuff of her sleeve, complimenting her otherwise simple dress.

    Now finally ready to go, Shay's head suddenly turned towards the clock on her wall, scared she might be running late. She was too caught up in the process of getting ready she almost forgot time even existed. As she realised she still had time, Shay let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding. Grabbing her purse on the way, she left her room and ran down the stairs, as much as her high heels could allow, careful not to fall down the flight of stairs and injure herself after all the preparation.

     Shay kissed her little brother good bye and her heart made those little backward flips when he told her she was going to be the most beautiful girl in prom. Little compliments like those even from a little human being like that could make her day. As she opened the front door, Shay was greeted with a breeze of wind that caressed her cheeks. Content with the weather, she started walking to the party that was just two blocks away from her house. She was utterly scared she would have to walk in the rain, it would've ruined her hair and smudged her face with make up.

I Am Human.

I am a human, I die everyday and everywhere. I am a human, I get enslaved and mocked. I am a human, I see my dream flying away before my eyes to greed, war, to the pockets of the filthy rich 0.1% that rules the world. I am a human, it hurts me to see that the news of that celebrity's wedding is on the first page and I'm not, just because of profit. I am a human, it hurts me to see people doing jobs they hate to buy things they were mocked into needing by glamorous advertising while the advertisers win billions. I am a human, it hurts me to see multinational companies enslaving children, letting them work for the cheapest wages to minimize their costs and double their billions, screw their billions. I am a human, I hate seeing generals telling their soldiers what to think, what to eat, what to feel, turning them into heartless killing machines. I am a human, it hurts me to see an old woman in prison because she couldn't pay her debt while all killers are free. I am a human, I suffer to pay for my children's school fees, I suffer to buy them that glamorously advertised shoe they want, and sometimes I just sit down helplessly crying, watching hunger sharpen the beloved bodies of theirs to death, or watching a missile catch their lives before hunger can.

I am a human, I don't want to kill or conquer. I want the world to heal and prosper. I am a human, I don't want to live by other people's misery. I want to live by their happiness. I am a human, I don't believe in borders. I believe in unity. I want to fight for a new world, a decent world. I want to help everyone. I want to help black, white, old, young, religious, non-religious. I am a human, I don't want to see anymore machines, anymore planes, anymore cars, I want to see humanity and kindness. I dream of living on an earth with equal chances for everyone, on a good earth that has room for everyone, and can provide for everyone. I am a human, I want to see hate disappearing, and dictators dying. I am a human, I don't want to be told that I have the power to change because I have "democracy", in a world where the only thing that can give a man power is money. I am a human, and when I see news of people dying around the world, I want to cry. I don't want to share and like, I want to dwell in and cry, just to know that I am still human.

Nuri: A Light That Shines

 I encourage you to listen to the song above, and understand its lyrics while reading to be able to better understand the part of the short story written in italic. Thank you. 

 Nuri, the dreamer and passionate, the one with preserved innocence that she had embraced not because it was all she knows, but because she has seen it all. Nuri was raised from the godforsaken depths of loneliness where her only company was the echo in her mind, like a solitary traveler lost in a cave, to breathe once again. 

  Nuri, once filled with life and energy, a fearless soul and an indomitable spirit has set sail in the sea of love with cheap wood and thin arms. She thought she could never get hurt, and given the innocence she's always had she blindly trusted the good in others. Given the pure heart she is, she thought everyone else was just like her. She used to always tell herself that she was smart enough to stay safe from the bone crushing waves of heartbreak, a lie she told herself to keep herself calm in the frontlines of danger. But then the heartbreak came, and the person she loved with all her heart has so coldly left her alone to drown. It was like an awakening slap that reminded her of how amateur she was at sailing, how much of a stranger she was to suffering. Her heart was left like a city struck with a storm and abandoned, where the sun shines on the silence that follows to find no one.

  A whole year passes, and Nuri is still struggling with all what she has of power in her weakened body, struggling with the bitterly cold echo in her head that demeans her beauty and makes her, one of the most beautiful you can ever know, believe that she is nothing of worth. Nuri was in war with her own thoughts, her back against the wall and her happiness in the hand of that dreaded voice in her head. Everything about Nuri has changed by now, except one thing. That she was indomitable, refusing to give in. Her courage has set her sailing again into finding that thread of light in the darkness that can guide her to safety once again, she continued to sail like a maniac till it was only a matter of time that she finds the light. She started realizing that it was not her fault that she was left like that and bit by bit she started seeing herself in an all anew shade. She started appreciating how rare and beautiful of a heart she has, how brave and courageous of a soul she possesses and how she was the good person throughout. She started treating herself kindly as the magic of time healed her cuts and bruises, she promised herself that she will start focusing on building a life of ambition and potential so that her happiness and feeling of self-worth will never fall again in the hands of another person. She started dreaming, and her dreams multiplied her beauty in the eyes of those who see her speaking passionately about them, with a spark in her shy and captivating eyes. Her lively and energetic self has started to come back, she has even started explaining to her dad her new perspective on life. Her dad could not hold in his happiness, and started to cry.

 Nuri glows now as bright as ever, like a star whose light carries on endlessly even after its death. Nuri has only become a stronger person, but still innocent and golden-hearted just because she chose to let go of whatever pain that has been inflicted on her from the filth of others. She refuses to become a mirror image of the person who left her, or a mirror image of whatever ugliness there is in this world. She understands that she was born to live with a pure heart, to become a savior of the heartbroken and a warrior against injustice, she now knows that it is not just anyone who is worthy of this heart of hers.

Nuri: Power Of Quiet

  As a child, Nuri always preferred to sit on the head of her home's six chair kitchen table made of cedar wood, in a kitchen that is separated by a cabinet from the living room where her grandfather used to sit down on his rocking chair beside the warmth of the fire dancing in the hearth, dressed in his comfy housecoat, indulged in his history books. Nuri liked to sit on the head of the kitchen table because from there, she could see her grandfather through the hollow in the middle of the cabinet. She used to love taking a small break from her homework and start discussing history with him. Their topic would change almost every month, from Hitler to M.Luther King, from Al-Khawarizmi to Abraham Lincoln.

 What sparked Nuri's passion for history was an innocent question she had in her head throughout her childhood; how can humanity have the great and honourable, savage and horrible all at once? She usually asked her grandfather such deep and introspective questions like the one she once asked him, after which they stayed up all night till the warm winter sun rays cracked through the three inches of the window left open onto their feet as they sat on the ground; is the world such an ugly place to be for good people?

 Nuri's parents were aspiring scientists, working on their desktops for hours trying to figure out the algorithms and design requirements for an idea of a renovated artificial limb that they have built in their heads during the tens of hours of discussions they loved to have after their nights of love and closeness. Nuri loved to follow her parents to the university campus where she used to get treated like a princess by all the staff working there. She loved quietly watching everyone collaborated for a great purpose, she always made sure to join in by giving some advise or bringing everyone food for lunch break.

 On Sundays, the whole family used to enjoy quiet nights where everyone was curled on his own book or movie waiting impatiently for the savoury-smelling dinner getting ready in the oven. Such nights were Nuri's favourite, because she could enjoy the warmth and intimacy of having her beloved ones beside her while being able to wander in the adventure-land in her book at the same time. When dinner got ready, everyone left their books and laptops where they were and gathered around the table. Dinner time was the time when everyone got to share a part of the book they were reading, or the movie they were watching and soon into the night, everyone has become a part of a mind-stimulating discussion.

 Nuri's home was far from perfect, however. There were conflicts as in every home, but the only difference is that everyone knew what do in the time of conflict. The two in conflict would lock themselves in a room, and try to discuss their matters in the most gentle way they can. No shouting, cursing or throwing accusations was allowed in the house. Everyone made sure they learnt the art of clean and effective communication, so that harmony is achieved amongst all. The basis this house was built on were intimacy and harmony, honesty and strong consciousness, gentleness and putting the needs of everyone before one's own needs. It was her heaven, her escape from the cruelty and lack of logic in the world outside the window of her room. Nuri's home was an overwhelming feeling of warmth she would never forget, it is the place were she grew up to become the successful, modest and reflective young woman she is now. It was where she learnt to embrace the power of quiet.

Nuri: a Hymn To The Sensitive.

 Nuri is a girl who is known to feel so strongly, to an extent that she can be described as a human with her heart in her hands. Nothing covers this heart of hers from her external world, she feels every single thing as it is, sometimes amplified to hightened levels no one can imagine but another human of her equivalent. Every word, every action, every energy or even the slightest change of behaviour of another person penetrates straight into her heart. Nuri is the kind of girl who walks shyly with her shopping cart on the right side of a hall in her local supermarket, so that no one will feel discomfort because of her and who pauses her whole life for a stray cat crying for help. Nuri prays for days on end for a person that was involved in an accident she saw from far away three weeks ago. She feels the sun rays breaking its way through the branches, before they encounter her face with the warmth of the spring day and stands on a rock by the shore as a storm breaks through the sea and the waves start shaking her on the rock she's standing on. Nuri feels as free as the leaf that falls down in autumn, as happy as the rose that opens up in the spring and as outrageous as the waves splattering chaotically in every direction in the midst of the winter. Nuri is driven with passion, and meaning to her life is like the air she breathes. Most probably sixty five percent of her time is spent pondering on the meaning of her life. She enjoys every moment of pride like a king standing on the ruins of a city he conquered, and tortures herself for every moment of shame like the whole world was standing before her as she got embarrassed. She's the same person who may not sleep at night thinking about an awkward moment she had with a stranger, or a failed encounter with a person she likes. She might also feel superbly annoyed when she chooses the wrong flavour of ice cream, it might not leave her mind for an hour or so. Nuri, is a highly compassionate and misunderstood person, an activist for the heart-broken and the forgotten, a flame of passion that lights the lives of those she knows with inspiration.

Nomadic things.

 We've all heard since we were young about the feeling of belonging to a place, to the extent of not being able to survive anywhere else for long. People who feel this are very lucky indeed, however, the more I get to know myself the more I realise that I was born with the antithesis of this feeling, a passionate flame and yearning for wandering this earth like a stranger in a strange land. I find myself when I'm lost in the midst of places
and faces I've never known of, in train stations and airplanes. With every new culture I unravel, a magical aura of maturity, experience and understanding of this world is added to who I am. And as I get to realise that this world is not as scary as we think it is, I feel like I belong to the whole of it.